Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
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*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”