People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
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Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.