50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
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[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”