I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
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In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
was Jim off killing horses or…
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.