[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
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Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years