Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
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50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
This can never not be funny 😭😭
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Hello, my name is Pierre.
A fake ID that makes you younger
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…