[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
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Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster