I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
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I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.