This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
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Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
checking out some reviews of my local library
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
The asteroid..
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
This forever.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.