Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
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Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
#oldknees
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO