Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
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Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
my sentiments exactly
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
only 11 steps left
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.