A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
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Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.