REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
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My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I’m going to need a moment here.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning