“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
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[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
2022 will be better than 2021
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Strange
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
The real reason evolution started..😂