ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
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I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
pls suprot
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?