*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
You Might Also Like
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha