A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
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4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
technically true but not a great slogan
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know