Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
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Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
wow
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles