If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
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Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Still a very good boi….
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.