me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
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“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
i smell a pulitzer
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts