Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
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Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Bit chilly again tonight.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.