When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
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Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop