I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
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I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Skills
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
💻🤡
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Air conditioning – not a fan
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore