* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
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Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no