Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
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My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
me logging onto twitter
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.