cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
You Might Also Like
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.