The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
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This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I know
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.