no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
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Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
#polloftheday
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.