huge valentines day plans this year!!
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Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!