“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
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My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*