Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
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I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.