Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
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Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized