Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
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Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart