*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
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I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.