Festive toon…
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Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
fr
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband