Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
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The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
crochet youtube is brutal
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
when mom throws a party…
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”