Dudes named Chance never had one.
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ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?