*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
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my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Clients after you give them your rates
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Awwwww shit.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
I know karate and tons of other words.