If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
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sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
The big book of baby names but for safe words
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Hot Panini is in big trouble
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone