Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
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(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?