I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
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3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
smartest karate player in the world
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?