If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
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I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
this makes me so uncomfortable