Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
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January has been Januweary
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
S M O L
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
one last job
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
rise and shine we got egg
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life