Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
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Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
TEETH IS INNOCENT
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.