[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
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Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that