I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
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*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother