When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
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as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.