I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
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Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume