What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
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Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I’m giving up for Lent.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT