you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
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Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake